Masterpiece

What’s a Masterpiece to a writer who’s pen is running on empty or to an artist who’s palette is dried and withered? How can one create a work of art when all artistic inspiration is lost or tossed aside to the reality of a hard knock life?

Writing your pain or poetically defining your struggle stanza after stanza rhyme after rhyme with each verse more damning than the last. Painting a portrait that critics stand and stare at creating their own artistic definition of what the artist could have meant when they are in fact ignorant to its true meaning. Is this what you call a Masterpiece of tremendous proportions? Strumming your heart out until the chords sound just right, until your fingers bleed and there is nothing left but tears on the shiny wood of a pain bearing guitar. How many pirouettes can dancer do before spinning herself into insanity from trying to compose the perfect Masterpiece?

When creative expression is suppressed by 9-5 jobs, school requirements, bills or by society’s own definition of a Masterpiece, what does an artist do? Conform to all written rules of formal American literature writing with perfect diction and syntax? Following every grammatical rule in the English handbook, remaining on the given topic, or making sure every line rhymes harboring your freedom of free verse expression? That’s what you learned in every writing class: follow the rules and your work will be a Masterpiece. Which means, if you follow the rules, you’ll create an exemplary Masterpiece according to their standards. But that is life. You follow the rules.

Go to school, pay attention in class, listen to your teacher, do your assignments on time, pass every test and then you will graduate, go to a good college, get a degree and land your awesomely boring 9-5 job you’ve always dreamed about. This is what the rules are. This is supposed to be your Masterpiece. Color inside the lines, don’t make up new rules as you go along, play the notes that are in front of you. All instructions on creating a Masterpiece. But is it your Masterpiece or yours?

What’s a Masterpiece to a writer who’s pen inks out everything that it is supposed to? To an artist who is told art is just a hobby? To a musician who is told what sheet music to follow? To a dancer who strives for perfection in the eyes of others?

Its a blank canvas mirroring the Masterpiece of pre-determined destinies with just enough room to artistically sign your name in anguished acceptance.

So a writer will continue to write objectively and subjectively as told by the rules. An artist will allow their palette to wither and dry as they sit in their office cubicles. A musician will keep playing the sheet music they were instructed to play. The dancer will continuously pirouette her way into the insanity of perfection until someone tells her that she is good enough. All in the efforts to create a Masterpiece.

Tags | Prose |
Runaway

Into the abyss of daydreams and desires

Where I often find myself most parts of my day

Where I am safe from all things reality

Tuition Payments. Rent. School Books & Class Assignments.

Runaway from anything filling me with doubt

Like that little voice inside of me that is constantly telling me I can’t

My therapist tells me its fear of my own potential

But really its fear of what I could become

A victim to my many mental health issues

A waist of pure talent because of this fear of judgement of myself and what I would produce in this world

Or fear of actually succeeding then falling by the wayside

Becoming old, played out, washed up

Not being able to match my successes

Or becoming an Artistic Has-Been

So I need to just runaway to be lost in my dreams

Because there I’m everything I’ve always wanted to be.

Tags | Poetry |
Lover’s Roulette

I’ve always needed Love

I’ve dreamed of it

I’ve craved it

Many years

Speaking dreams into my pillow

Tears as my signature

I sign my “I wish I Had Love” letter

Since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed

Of a love so unconditional

So perfectly flawed

Because I never believed in fairytales 

They never showed what happens when the book closed

No

All I wanted was love that matched the love in my heart

A young, naive heart carrying love bigger than my body could ever hold

I just wanted to express it

Say, Mommy can I have a hug?

No

Mommy pushed me away

Love for the tough hearted is what I received

But my heart is so soft

Heart is so pure

Wanting to be Daddy’s Little Girl

But Daddy wasn’t there

Until Little Girl was no more

My heart was handed a step towards a Daddy instead

But my heart skipped over that step

It was never meant for me to step on

Little Girl no more

But wanting to feel that love

But love was soon misplaced with Hurt

Hurt replaced with Confusion

Confusion replaced with FEAR

Fear? Why Fear?

Isn’t that what you wanted?

To be loved right?

But Love… Please

It didn’t want me like I wanted it

Love gave me Hurt

Because Little Girl wanted Mommy’s hug

Because Little Girl wanted to be Daddy’s Little Girl

But Love pushed away the hug

Took away the Daddy and just left Little Girl

Little Girl no more

Love Hurts

Hurting made me Angry

Angry=Love

Equal Screams

Fights

Abuse

Molestation

Equals Angry

Love=Angry=Hurt

Love is Disgusting

Bah Humbug!

Who needs it?

Love is…

Confusing

Sex is good, right?

I mean, it will get you to feel what I’m feeling right?

If I say “Baby don’t stop” “Ooo baby it feels good”

Will I hear you say, “I love you too?”

That’s Love, right?

I think

No

Love is…

Confusing

Bah Humbug!

Who needs it

No Hurt

No Anger

No Disgust

No Confusion

No Love

Who needs it?

ME!

I’ve always needed Love

I’ve dreamed of it

I’ve craved it

Cried myself to sleep at night thinking about it

Unconditional Love

Someone strong enough to carry my baggage

Someone skilled and careful enough to a car with so much mileage

So I take a gamble

The riskiest one of them all

A game not many win

A lethal game of chance

A chance at Hurt

A chance at Anger

A chance at Disgust

A chance at Confusion

A chance at Love

Again…

I usually loose

A part of my sanity is left after every game

A part of my Pride

A part of my Heart

A part of Me

But I’m addicted

To Hurt

To Anger

To Disgust

To Confusion

To Love

But I’m willing to play this game again

Load the cylinder with it all

And I hope that when I pull the trigger

I won’t be shot with

Hurt

Anger

Disgust 

Confusion

Just Love

Only this time I truly aim at my Heart

Hoping this time

Love will strike and stay

Or just finish off what’s left of me

Because I’ve always needed Love

I’ve dreamed of it

I’ve craved it

Cried at night alone to my pillow about it

Mommy’s Hug

Being Daddy’s Little Girl

Or just being loved by a stranger of my choosing

This time when I play

I hope to lay on my pillow

Right next to Love

When the roulette goes BOOM

Tags | Poetry |
22 Years

Today marks the day that I have been on this Earth for 22 years. January 23, 2012. And on this day I came to one realization: I am okay. And I am going to be okay because I work way too hard and far too much ambition to not be. Everyday is a learning experience and with each year and each birthday you should evaluate each learning experience and use it accordingly. On this birthday there is one learning experience that I will carry with me through 2012: Cherish each day and with each day work hard towards your dream. I lost someone near and dear to me during my 21st year on this Earth and he had a heart full of dreams. He wanted to make it to the NBA. And he had all the potential of going because he worked hard at it for all 17 years of his life. Here today and gone tomorrow but he had a dream. As long as I am on this Earth, I vow to ALWAYS and forever go after my dream. To work just as hard as he did because when you love something as much as he loved basketball, there should never be anything or anyone standing in your way of accomplishing that. Not even yourself. Something that I am still working on as I settle into this new year. Getting out of my own way. I’ll be yelling at myself all year to get out of my way so that I continue working hard at my goal of becoming a writer. That is what will carry me during my 22nd year.

Tags | Journal |
Interlude 2 Life

I gotta get my heart back

Back to the way it was

Cuz boy you really hurt me

But I know you’re still the one

Didn’t hurt me like the others

So it didn’t stab as much

I see my future in your eyes

Sometimes it makes me wanna cry

So I’m gonna stay right here

Cuz what we have is special

And I can’t see myself going nowhere

So promise me one thing

That you won’t hurt me again

Make my heart feel protected

Make my heart feel secure

Keep making me feel complete

And I won’t walk out the door

Because baby this is it now

All we have is each other

Just you and me side by side

And this is only the beginning

This is the interlude to the rest of our life

Tags | Poetry |
17 Days Late

This is really funny. I told myself that starting on January 1, 2012 I was going to blog my thoughts everyday. Sometimes even twice a day if I felt the need to do so. But of course, that’s yet another New Year’s Resolution made and not kept as today is now January 18, 2012. So I’m about 17 days late big deal. I’m doing it now so that’s all that matters. So what shall I blog about? The easy answer is to pick a theme such as art or music and blah blah blah. But honestly I’m just gonna blog about a fresh start. Its a brand new year filled with brand new goals and my biggest goal of this year is mature into the Womanhood that I knew was one day coming. I’ll 22 years old in less than a week (ooo scary) so its about high time I started Womaning Up and maturing. Well, not that I’m doing so bad right now. I mean I live all the way across the country in my own apartment that I pay for (well I do get a little help..tee hee) I go to school full-time and I’m my way to getting a second part-time job. And to top it all off, I made it through 22 years of my life with no unexpected pregnancies!! Whoo! A lot to be proud of right? Yeah, yeah. I just know that I have a lot to learn about this whole Womanhood thing. Like how to sew and cook and do hair and get the motivation to clean up every once in a while and of course DRIVE! So this is the beginning of a journey starting with my 22nd Birthday on the 23rd which is just 5 days away… Yikes! I’m getting old!

Tags | Journal |
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